The Ten Commandments Of Cars*

1. Thou shalt wash thy car on a regular basis, especially if it is of dark color.

2. Thou shalt not use the inside of thy car as a dumpster.

3. Thou shalt not drive a Daewoo.

4. Thou shalt not put stickers on thy car, except parking permits and AAA decals.

5. Thou shalt not alter thy car so it rides unnaturally low or high.

6. Thou shalt not paint flames on thy car.

7. Thou shalt not put sheepskin covers on thy seats and/or steering wheel.

8. Thou shalt not place a plastic statue on thy dashboard.

9. Thou shalt not park in a spot marked "Compact" if thou does not drive a compact car.

10. Thou shalt not put a ridiculous-looking topper on thy antenna.

*Which also applyeth to trucks, vans, and SUVs.

The Commandments of Men's Fashion

1. Thou shalt not wear athletic shoes unless thou art going to do something athletic.

2. Thou shalt not buy thy clothes at Wal-Mart, Kmart, or Costco.

3. Thou shalt not wear shorts that come down past thy knees.

4. Thou shalt not wear anything baggy or saggy.

5. But thou also shalt not wear anything so skintight that it clingeth to thy nipples, or revealeth whether or not thou art circumcised.

6. Thou shalt not weareth thy baseball cap with the bill turned backwards.

7. Thou shalt not wear baseball caps made from polyester.

8. Thou shalt not wear plaid.

9. Thou shalt not wear a hockey jersey unless thou art a hockey player engaged in playing hockey, working at a charity event, doing a commerical, or riding in a Stanley Cup parade. (This also applyeth to baseball, basketball and football jerseys.)

10. Thou shalt not wear Tommy Hilfiger.

11. Thou shalt take care not to expose the waistband of thy underpants in public.

12. Thou shalt not wear a T-shirt with text or art on it, unless it relates to hockey or a cool old TV show.

13. Thou shalt not wear a sleeveless shirt in public, unless thou art running or playing basketball or doing anything that makes thou sweat. Thou shalt avoid those sleeveless shirts with the giant armholes and low necklines.

14. Thou shalt not wear overalls, unless you will be riding a tractor or feeding pigs that day.

The Commandments of Women's Fashion

1. Thou shalt not wear pants or shorts that creepeth into the crack of thy butt.

2. Thou shalt not buy thy panties at the 99-cent bin of Big Lots (formerly Pic N' Save).

3. Thou shalt not wear Spandex if thy waist circumference is larger than thy bust size.

4. Thou shalt not wear knee-highs with a skirt.

5. Thou shalt not use the Grammy Awards as a fashion role model.